if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
please come you make the beer taste better
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
