just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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