; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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