So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
