we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
