Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
