hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
