If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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