also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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