my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
