How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think my vagina is haunted
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
