Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
be right there i have to get my cape
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
