I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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