when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
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sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
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Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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