Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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