He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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