I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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