Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
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You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
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He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..