broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....