How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode