Already got asked if we're dating
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Randomize
