You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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