giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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