I hate your face
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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