Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
