The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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