and you said cock pushups were impossible
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Two words: blizzard sex
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
