??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
