Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
