its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
