Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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