dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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