remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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