does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
