the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
