You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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