i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
