A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
