just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
