She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize