At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
