So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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