life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
