Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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