I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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