If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
