he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
