Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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