my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
