News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
