Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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