I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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