2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
