I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
