I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
