i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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