So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
