I'm lost and stupid without you.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
