Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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