glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
