I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
