I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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