He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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