Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
