I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
